Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
HEY GUYZ
o.o well, I've been neglecting you, haven't I?
For the, like, one person that follows me that doesn't know me in real life, I was gone from real life for five days. No, I wasn't dead or in a coma or anything, I was in a mental hospital.
Its not all straight jackets and shock therapy and padded rooms. Its just like a regular hospital. I felt like I was at a summer camp.
What got me there, you ask?
Suicidal urges.
You see, the night before, I was lying in bed awake thinking about all the bad things that could happen to me.
Then I thought it.
I should kill myself before anything else does.
And then I couldn't get that thought out of my head. I was thinking of ways I might do it. Get all the pills I could find and swallow each bottle. Slit vertically on my arm. Drown myself in the freaking TOILET.
So I told my counselor.
My counselor told my mom.
My mom told a doctor.
The doctor told a mental hospital.
A mental hospital told the doctors to tell my mom that I needed to stay there for a while.
So long story short, while I was in there I gathered the following:
That I have major depressive disorder.
That I have panic disorder without agoraphobia.
A prescription for 20 milligrams of Prozac.
A prescription for 10 milligrams of hydroxyzine.
FUN FACT: hydroxyzine is used to induce drowsiness, calm anxiety, and treat itching :P
For the, like, one person that follows me that doesn't know me in real life, I was gone from real life for five days. No, I wasn't dead or in a coma or anything, I was in a mental hospital.
Its not all straight jackets and shock therapy and padded rooms. Its just like a regular hospital. I felt like I was at a summer camp.
What got me there, you ask?
Suicidal urges.
You see, the night before, I was lying in bed awake thinking about all the bad things that could happen to me.
Then I thought it.
I should kill myself before anything else does.
And then I couldn't get that thought out of my head. I was thinking of ways I might do it. Get all the pills I could find and swallow each bottle. Slit vertically on my arm. Drown myself in the freaking TOILET.
So I told my counselor.
My counselor told my mom.
My mom told a doctor.
The doctor told a mental hospital.
A mental hospital told the doctors to tell my mom that I needed to stay there for a while.
So long story short, while I was in there I gathered the following:
That I have major depressive disorder.
That I have panic disorder without agoraphobia.
A prescription for 20 milligrams of Prozac.
A prescription for 10 milligrams of hydroxyzine.
FUN FACT: hydroxyzine is used to induce drowsiness, calm anxiety, and treat itching :P
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Nine o' clock sick rant.
So its nine o' clock, I'm about to get a mood drop, and I'm sick, and I'm watching Cyber Bully, so I wanted to rant about something: doing something you know could trigger you.
In the movie, the girl goes on her page, where she KNOWS people are saying mean things, and that she'll get upset. This happens in real life, too. If you go on YouTube and look up "Cutting" or "Self Injury" or anything related, I guarantee that you'll see a few videos titled with something like "Cutting scars (TRIGGERING)".
For those of you that don't know, a "trigger" is something that could trigger sadness, suicidal thoughts, etc. When someone labels a video as triggering, they are saying "I am making it clear that this is dangerous for those vulnerable to depression. Watch at your own risk".
So some people go ahead and look at their triggers anyway, myself included. Sad songs, cutting videos, SI pictures, all this stuff triggers me. So why do I still look at it? I don't know. I guess it could be that I want to see if I can see them and be okay. Other people, I think, want to drag themselves down. Like when people take downer drugs, I guess. Is that what those do? The last time I studied drugs was when I went out with a jerk.. xD
But anywho, do you guys have triggers? And if so, what are they, and why do you keep looking at them?
In the movie, the girl goes on her page, where she KNOWS people are saying mean things, and that she'll get upset. This happens in real life, too. If you go on YouTube and look up "Cutting" or "Self Injury" or anything related, I guarantee that you'll see a few videos titled with something like "Cutting scars (TRIGGERING)".
For those of you that don't know, a "trigger" is something that could trigger sadness, suicidal thoughts, etc. When someone labels a video as triggering, they are saying "I am making it clear that this is dangerous for those vulnerable to depression. Watch at your own risk".
So some people go ahead and look at their triggers anyway, myself included. Sad songs, cutting videos, SI pictures, all this stuff triggers me. So why do I still look at it? I don't know. I guess it could be that I want to see if I can see them and be okay. Other people, I think, want to drag themselves down. Like when people take downer drugs, I guess. Is that what those do? The last time I studied drugs was when I went out with a jerk.. xD
But anywho, do you guys have triggers? And if so, what are they, and why do you keep looking at them?
30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day Five
Day Five: What is your least favorite part of self harm?
I guess how much it hurts those around you, and how you know that it could kill you. Because as much as you like it, if you did it wrong, or tried to get just a little bit more pleasure by going deeper, it could kill you. Even if you don't want to die. If it bleeds more than it usually does, you get scared.
And I hate that it hurts Romeo and Heather and everyone else. Though I've already said that in one of these.
I guess how much it hurts those around you, and how you know that it could kill you. Because as much as you like it, if you did it wrong, or tried to get just a little bit more pleasure by going deeper, it could kill you. Even if you don't want to die. If it bleeds more than it usually does, you get scared.
And I hate that it hurts Romeo and Heather and everyone else. Though I've already said that in one of these.
30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day Four
Do you consider yourself addicted? Why or why not?
I do. Its so hard not to do it when I feel like it. If something makes you upset your immediate reaction is to do it again, and then you have to try to resist. Because once you feel the relief it gives you, you want that relief every time you get upset, no matter how bad it is for you in the long run.
I do. Its so hard not to do it when I feel like it. If something makes you upset your immediate reaction is to do it again, and then you have to try to resist. Because once you feel the relief it gives you, you want that relief every time you get upset, no matter how bad it is for you in the long run.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Six thirty sick rant.
So its six thirty in the morning, I can't swallow anything solid, and I was thinking about something that annoys me: people who think depression and mental health issues can just be stopped on will.
Now, I'll admit that I used to be one of these people, until I got some of those myself. For those of you that don't know, I have depression and anxiety, which are both a lot worse than they sound. Depression is basically when you're really sad for a long time and can't be cheered up for good. Well, you can, but with treatment. And anxiety is, I think, where you live in a state of high pressure for a while and it starts to take a toll on your mind with panic attacks.
A panic attack is possibly the most terrifying and horrible thing I've ever experienced. But if you want to know more about that, look at this: http://sparklesrainbowsandselfmutilation.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-story-part-three.html
I love my mother, really I do, but I think that she thinks that I can just STOP having anxiety and depression by "not focusing on myself". Well, mom, the thing about that, is that there's something wrong with my brain, and not my attitude. I'm not focusing on myself, my brain is. My brain is thinking about all the bad things in the world and how high everyone's expectations are and how I can never meet them and it starts to get to you, you know? I can't just stop. There are chemicals in my brain that cause these feelings of sadness and I can't control it. Would you say "Its just diabetes, get over it."? Because how I see it, diabetes is a life long disease that affects how you live your every day life, just the same as depression and anxiety. You can't shrug it off, as it is in your blood. This is in my brain.
I'll shrug it off when they can.
Now, I'll admit that I used to be one of these people, until I got some of those myself. For those of you that don't know, I have depression and anxiety, which are both a lot worse than they sound. Depression is basically when you're really sad for a long time and can't be cheered up for good. Well, you can, but with treatment. And anxiety is, I think, where you live in a state of high pressure for a while and it starts to take a toll on your mind with panic attacks.
A panic attack is possibly the most terrifying and horrible thing I've ever experienced. But if you want to know more about that, look at this: http://sparklesrainbowsandselfmutilation.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-story-part-three.html
I love my mother, really I do, but I think that she thinks that I can just STOP having anxiety and depression by "not focusing on myself". Well, mom, the thing about that, is that there's something wrong with my brain, and not my attitude. I'm not focusing on myself, my brain is. My brain is thinking about all the bad things in the world and how high everyone's expectations are and how I can never meet them and it starts to get to you, you know? I can't just stop. There are chemicals in my brain that cause these feelings of sadness and I can't control it. Would you say "Its just diabetes, get over it."? Because how I see it, diabetes is a life long disease that affects how you live your every day life, just the same as depression and anxiety. You can't shrug it off, as it is in your blood. This is in my brain.
I'll shrug it off when they can.
30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day Three
Three: What is your motivation to recover?
Well, there are lots of things. Daley, because I know it makes her sad, Heather, because I know that she cares and I THINK it makes her sad.. I'm not really that sure that any of my other friends that know care.
Another thing is just wanting to get better, because having to hurt yourself to feel good is hell. I hate it, and you usually try to get rid of things you hate. And yes, it is hard to stop completely, though it is possible. Its an addiction, just the same as someone who does drugs and can't stop.
Well, there are lots of things. Daley, because I know it makes her sad, Heather, because I know that she cares and I THINK it makes her sad.. I'm not really that sure that any of my other friends that know care.
Another thing is just wanting to get better, because having to hurt yourself to feel good is hell. I hate it, and you usually try to get rid of things you hate. And yes, it is hard to stop completely, though it is possible. Its an addiction, just the same as someone who does drugs and can't stop.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)