HEY GUYZ

o.o well, I've been neglecting you, haven't I?
For the, like, one person that follows me that doesn't know me in real life, I was gone from real life for five days. No, I wasn't dead or in a coma or anything, I was in a mental hospital.
Its not all straight jackets and shock therapy and padded rooms. Its just like a regular hospital. I felt like I was at a summer camp.
What got me there, you ask?
Suicidal urges.
You see, the night before, I was lying in bed awake thinking about all the bad things that could happen to me.
Then I thought it.
I should kill myself before anything else does. 
And then I couldn't get that thought out of my head. I was thinking of ways I might do it. Get all the pills I could find and swallow each bottle. Slit vertically on my arm. Drown myself in the freaking TOILET.
So I told my counselor.
My counselor told my mom.
My mom told a doctor.
The doctor told a mental hospital.
A mental hospital told the doctors to tell my mom that I needed to stay there for a while.
So long story short, while I was in there I gathered the following:
That I have major depressive disorder.
That I have panic disorder without agoraphobia.
A prescription for 20 milligrams of Prozac.
A prescription for 10 milligrams of hydroxyzine.

FUN FACT: hydroxyzine is used to induce drowsiness, calm anxiety, and treat itching :P

Nine o' clock sick rant.

  So its nine o' clock, I'm about to get a mood drop, and I'm sick, and I'm watching Cyber Bully, so I wanted to rant about something: doing something you know could trigger you.
  In the movie, the girl goes on her page, where she KNOWS people are saying mean things, and that she'll get upset. This happens in real life, too. If you go on YouTube and look up "Cutting" or "Self Injury" or anything related, I guarantee that you'll see a few videos titled with something like "Cutting scars (TRIGGERING)".
  For those of you that don't know, a "trigger" is something that could trigger sadness, suicidal thoughts, etc. When someone labels a video as triggering, they are saying "I am making it clear that this is dangerous for those vulnerable to depression. Watch at your own risk".
  So some people go ahead and look at their triggers anyway, myself included. Sad songs, cutting videos, SI pictures, all this stuff triggers me. So why do I still look at it? I don't know. I guess it could be that I want to see if I can see them and be okay. Other people, I think, want to drag themselves down. Like when people take downer drugs, I guess. Is that what those do? The last time I studied drugs was when I went out with a jerk.. xD
  But anywho, do you guys have triggers? And if so, what are they, and why do you keep looking at them?

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day Five

Day Five: What is your least favorite part of self harm?

I guess how much it hurts those around you, and how you know that it could kill you. Because as much as you like it, if you did it wrong, or tried to get just a little bit more pleasure by going deeper, it could kill you. Even if you don't want to die. If it bleeds more than it usually does, you get scared. 
And I hate that it hurts Romeo and Heather and everyone else. Though I've already said that in one of these. 

30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day Four

Do you consider yourself addicted? Why or why not?

I do. Its so hard not to do it when I feel like it. If something makes you upset your immediate reaction is to do it again, and then you have to try to resist. Because once you feel the relief it gives you, you want that relief every time you get upset, no matter how bad it is for you in the long run.

Six thirty sick rant.

  So its six thirty in the morning, I can't swallow anything solid, and I was thinking about something that annoys me: people who think depression and mental health issues can just be stopped on will.
  Now, I'll admit that I used to be one of these people, until I got some of those myself. For those of you that don't know, I have depression and anxiety, which are both a lot worse than they sound. Depression is basically when you're really sad for a long time and can't be cheered up for good. Well, you can, but with treatment. And anxiety is, I think, where you live in a state of high pressure for a while and it starts to take a toll on your mind with panic attacks.
  A panic attack is possibly the most terrifying and horrible thing I've ever experienced. But if you want to know more about that, look at this: http://sparklesrainbowsandselfmutilation.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-story-part-three.html
  I love my mother, really I do, but I think that she thinks that I can just STOP having anxiety and depression by "not focusing on myself". Well, mom, the thing about that, is that there's something wrong with my brain, and not my attitude. I'm not focusing on myself, my brain is. My brain is thinking about all the bad things in the world and how high everyone's expectations are and how I can never meet them and it starts to get to you, you know? I can't just stop. There are chemicals in my brain that cause these feelings of sadness and I can't control it. Would you say "Its just diabetes, get over it."? Because how I see it, diabetes is a life long disease that affects how you live your every day life, just the same as depression and anxiety. You can't shrug it off, as it is in your blood. This is in my brain.
  I'll shrug it off when they can.

My Story: Part Three

When I left off, I said that life had thrown another curve ball at me. That curve ball? My well intentioned, but slightly misguided mother.
  You see, I had been doing better because of my medicine. So what would make me feel worse? A lack of medicine. And that's just what I got.
  When I ran out of my first bottle of Prozac, I was expecting that my mother would take me back to the doctor to get a prescription for more. But, she didn't. And whenever I asked her, she would get OFFENDED. So I ended up being without it for a month and a half, feeling myself sink into the same, black little pit I had been in before.
  The depression came back, that much I expected. But what I didn't expect? Anxiety attacks.
  Now, I could give you a dictionary description if anxiety attacks, but I don't think it gives the full effect as well.
  Envision this: you're doing something perfectly normal, like sitting in class, where you've never had bigger problems than having to pee or boredom. Suddenly, you get this severely sick feeling in your stomach. That's the gastrointestinal distress. Then, it gets really hot. That's the heat flashes. You think that something bad could happen at any second. Wait. What's wrong with your heart? It's palpitating. You must be having a heart attack. That's possible, right?  Wait. What's that? Oh god, you're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You've never been so afraid in your life. You need to escape. You need to get somewhere safe. You need to focus on something. Your brain is moving way too fast. You need to scream. But won't that be embarrassing? Won't everyone think you're crazy? You know there's no danger, but you can't believe yourself. Everyone says there's something to be afraid of. Every alarming news headline from the past few months comes rushing back. Bombings. School shootings. Tornadoes. Anything could happen at any minute. Why is everyone still sitting here? You need to be somewhere safe. But you can't leave. Just distract yourself. That'll get rid of it. You're not going to die.. You're not going to die.. You're not going to die..

  And that is as close to describing a  panic attack as I can get. You get really scared, and think about all the bad things that could happen. Of course, there's no way that that stuff could happen, but your brain can't process that at the moment.

  This has also happened to me in big crowds. Particularly concerts. It's crowded and loud and if something bad were to happen and you screamed, people would just think you were into the music. The lights and movement and volume don't really help the situation, either.

  When my youth group went on a trip to a Christian camp, there were concerts by some guy named Aaron Keyes that I had never heard of. The first night we were there, I was all energetic and hopping around like a lunatic, but pretty soon I started to fee really, REALLY sick, and had to sit down and curl up in a ball. The next morning, which was way too early for a concert, I left about five minutes in to calm myself down. That night, I did the same.
 
  But on the third or fourth day, I apparently stayed just a bit too long. Because when I went into the preaching when the concert ended, I still couldn't handle it. Every little noise was irritating. There was a girl behind us eating a little bag of chips and every time it made a noise I almost cried. Eventually, I curled up in a ball and cried. Why was I freaking out? There was nothing to be afraid of. But like I said before, I couldn't believe that. I ended up going outside and crying on a bench until it was over and my youth group came out.

  But anyways. The biggest two things that make me freak out: the weather, and the news. You see, my town was one of those hit by those HUGE tornadoes a while back. So now I automatically think of the bad things that could happen when it starts raining. One day at school, it had been overcast for a few weeks, and boy was that horrible.

  But onto the news: It scares me. Why is there never any good news? And when there is good news, why do bad things come out of it? For example: the death of Osama Bin Laden. Good thing, right? Wrong. What if Al Qaeda got angry and decided to attack us? After all, we did kill a huge icon. So for a few weeks after that, I was constantly scared of going out to big cities and what not, and I refused to watch the news.

  But you can calm yourself down from panic attacks. I can do that now by distracting myself, talking to Daley, or doing this little breathing exercise. However, when I was new to the world of anxiety, I calmed myself down by cutting. Why? It made me feel more in control of the situation. If I can't control our impending doom, at least I can control this, right? And it was something to focus on. The blood, mostly. 'Course, the blood was my favorite part of cutting due to depression too.